New coaches can feel so exuberant about coaching that they search for inappropriate opportunities to use their new skills.
I did this several times until I realized it was disrespectful. In one painful situation, I coached a troubled friend, and it caused a rift that took years to heal.
It can look like this … You perceive that someone is struggling and believe they “need” coaching. The belief that someone NEEDS coaching and the subsequent longing are signs to reign in the impulse to coach.
It comes down to this — to coach ethically, you and the person you are coaching must step consciously into the co-creative role and, later, step fully out of it.
That’s why coaching is best done in a professional relationship with a paying client where consent is explicit.
Wanting too much for your clients is a similar challenge. Let’s dig into this.
A Powerful Question for More Ethical Coaching
In my first year as a professional coach, I was in a frustrating pattern with a client. I shared some of these situations with my mentor coach. And, she asked me a surprising and powerful question that made a big impression on me:
Do you want more for this client than they do for themselves?
I started examining my motivations and setting healthier boundaries for myself with clients.
Have you ever sensed that you might want too much for your clients?
It’s a common pitfall for new coaches.
The trick is to let go of your desire to effect change ON your clients. In other words, don’t try to fix them or heal them.
Build up within yourself the belief that your client alone drives their desire and ability to change and grow. They have to want it, but the degree to which they want it is up to them, not you.
You can help them explore what they want and assess how important it is to them, all the while reigning in your desires for them to fix them.
You can never know the path of another person. That was a lesson I had to learn.
If you try to anticipate and course-correct your client’s potential mistakes, are you keeping them from valuable learning experiences? It’s something to think about.
Or, if you jump in to solve their problems, are you diminishing your client’s personal power and inflating yours? Check out Episode 89 about this at ProsperousCoach.com/89.
It’s best to answer these questions by staying aware during your sessions about your motivations for what you say and do with your clients. It is not easy, but you can do it.
And no one is infallible. Every coach makes mistakes. The goal is to keep noticing your own mistakes and learning from them.
The Real Beauty of Coaching is the Co-creative Relationship
Both coach and client focus collaboratively to draw out and utilize the client’s wisdom toward high payoff actions that further their goals — get them where they want to go.
You, as a coach, must TRUST that your client is creative, resourceful, and whole. In other words, they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and making their own best decisions.
A well-placed and well-worded challenge can help your client shift their mindset or take a more powerful action. That’s excellent coaching!
After that, let go of attachment to any particular outcome. It is a key to happiness!
Your coaching business is a never-ending set of beautiful life lessons in letting go of your attachment.
3 Symptoms of Wanting Too Much for Coaching Clients
Let’s explore the symptoms, causes, and side effects of wanting too much for coaching clients. In all of these cases, what’s being unknowingly sacrificed is the co-creative relationship — the very thing that makes coaching so powerful!
Symptom #1: Performance Mode
The Cause: You’re trying to find solutions for every issue raised in the conversation rather than focusing on one coachable moment at a time that will move the client toward a perspective shift and, of course, the takeaway stated in their agenda.
Side effect: The client becomes overwhelmed and the session isn’t satisfying.
You are in performance mode and forgot that this is a co-creative process.
How are problems solved? In increments — one bite at a time, right? Support your clients to make little leaps in their mindset or perspective and to make more progress on their own between sessions.
Symptom #2: You feel drained after a session
The Cause: At some time in the coaching session, you stepped outside of the co-creative role and tried to correct, fix, or “save the client from themselves.” Do you know what I mean?
Side effect: The client feels confused, and you lose confidence.
At its best, coaching energizes both the client and the coach. Focus on listening closely for the client’s wisdom, using intuitive responses and questions to invite powerful shifts. Take it easy!
Symptom #3: You do the client’s work for them
The Cause: You abandoned the co-creative role and started directing how the client should think or take action. I’ve struggled with this one.
Side effect: The client is disempowered. You inflated your role.
This is so tricky! Many coaches I meet say that their biggest challenge in coaching is staying away from giving advice. But coaching is not about giving advice.
You can train yourself away from that impulse to be the smart one in the room and witness excellent results when your clients come to their conclusions through powerful questions.
Can Coaches Consult and Teach?
Some coaches realize that pure coaching isn’t their jam. They have real expertise to impart and want to incorporate consulting with coaching skills.
I believe that there’s nothing wrong with that, and indeed, I made that change from being a coach to offering business mentoring. It fits with my teacher archetype and allowed me to find the sweet spot in my business.
However, it required a conscious shift in the way I work with clients and my business model. I’ve sold courses, offered webinars, and now have numerous guides for my VIP clients. I positioned my podcast as a platform for attracting mentoring clients, not coaching clients.
I still use coaching skills with my clients — asking powerful questions, listening deeply, and challenging them to take action. But I no longer offer coaching sessions in the classic sense or have a coaching relationship with my clients.
This kind of shift is not a light decision. If you are curious about this, check out episodes 175 and 206.
If YOU want to be a coach and offer professional coaching, stay with the co-creative role and process. Relinquish the desire to fix, heal, or advise. Reign in the longing to fill what you perceive as a need. Respect your clients by realizing they know what’s best for them and help them discover that.