In the coaching world, there’s a real issue that isn’t talked about much.
Sometimes coaching relationships can stray off course, become counter productive or even toxic.
It can feel like the client is being difficult. It’s worth looking at it dispassionately to see where your responsibility lies.
Because your client is paying you for services, they may perceive a power difference between you.
While sometimes a difficult coaching relationship is simply about fit, it can also be caused by truly innocent actions of the coach that disrupt the power balance.
As your behaviors are the only ones that you can control that’s where right action starts and ends.
Let’s dig into that and what you can do to repair a rift back to a healthy coaching relationship.
I’ll also share 4 simple steps to clear the air with clients with a little script to initiate that conversation plus a clean approach to terminate a client relationship if that’s really best.
The Delicate Power Dynamics Between Coaches and Clients
In any professional one on one service—because it’s an intimate relationship—the power dynamics between you and your client deserve attention.
Why?
Because, similar to any partnership, the opportunities for upset are many. And it’s not unusual as a new coach to sometimes bumble that delicate balance.
Don’t worry though. Most upsets are easily righted.
And, there are many things you can do to keep things from going astray.
I’ve had my share of upsetting coaching sessions and client relationships over 25+ years as a coach. Sometimes I was inarticulate and cloddy, even in my attempt to clear the air.
Some situations have resulted in significantly improved — even to an excellent relationship. And a few have ended the coaching relationship altogether.
You might be surprised that sometimes the best thing to do is part ways, as respectfully and professionally as possible.
When you’re offering a long-term, high-ticket signature program—something I highly recommend coaches do instead of selling coaching session packages—assessing the fit of a potential client for you and your program is even more critical.
And, it’s easy to make errors in judgment about that. You think you’re a good fit for them and they are a good fit for you but later it becomes clear the fit isn’t there.
Because coaching is an honored role, trust must go both ways for it to work well.
Listen to Episode 310 for more about coach/client fit — Why Some Coaching Clients May Not Be Right for You. Find that at ProsperousCoach.com/310.
Avoid Labeling and Instead Reflect
So first, it’s best NOT to think of any human being as DIFFICULT. That or any label will bias your experience with the individual and inadvertently give you permission to turn off your self-awareness and close your mind.
Every coach knows this —it takes two to tango. There are two personalities and each brings their own communication weaknesses and crystalized beliefs.
Every coach knows this too … the only person you can change is yourself. So that’s your locus of control.
As soon as you realize something is off between you and your client, reflect on your own beliefs and behaviors first.
What is YOUR part in the difficulty?
4 Steps to a Clean Perspective About Your Coaching Relationship
#1 Separate facts from interpretation
This is a tried-and-true coaching technique. Jot down what was actually said and done by both of you. Separately write down your interpretation of that—your feelings and what the voice inside your head tells you is so. Look at this dispassionately and realize how far your interpretation goes to escalate the drama.
#2 Release your ego/attachment
It’s likely that whatever is going on is not completely about you. So, release beliefs like “They don’t respect me.” “They don’t like me.” You don’t know that.
#3 Raise compassion for you and for them and let go of the story
Realize that your client has many things going on in their life that could affect coaching sessions. And realize that you too bring baggage to the table from your life.
#4 Think through your next step
When energy is awry with coaching clients, you have 3 choices:
- Say nothing. It takes time to learn another person and for them to learn you, so if you perceive things are a little rough because it’s early days, just slow down, be more clear and see if things smooth out.
- Lightly call the issue to your client’s attention at the beginning of a session. For example, I realized I wasn’t receiving feedback from one client and she wasn’t celebrating her wins. There was a sense of dampened experience. I encouraged her to celebrate her wins and share her feelings. Soon, she was more real with me, praised her wins and our shared experience and the energy shifted.
- If you feel the issue is more serious and that more time is needed, set up a call outside of a session. That honors both of you to give away some time to clear the air.
Remember that your clients are highly intelligent. Each individual is differently skilled.
You and they may be compatible through difference rather than similarity.
Be direct while owning your part and avoid casting any blame.
It might sound something like this …
“I’ve noticed this happening and it’s affecting me this way (be specific without blaming.) I’m wondering if you’ve noticed that or something else 4 and if it’s affecting you too?” That will get the discussion going. You may be amazed at what comes out.
You may learn something really valuable that makes you a better coach!
Encourage honesty. Work towards specific agreements and encourage creative options.
For example, an option would be to take a short hiatus in the work for an agreed amount of time and both consider if the relationship and program is a good fit. If you come back together and you agree to stay with it, make sure new agreements are in place that allow for honest feedback and healthy interaction.
If you or they decide to end the professional relationship, negotiate a prorated refund if they paid up front.
I know this sounds very hard to do. But, as with all relationships, allowing dysfunction to go unspoken and continue if it can’t be repaired, causes heartache.
Difficulties with Coaching Clients Are a Wake-Up Call
I choose to believe that difficulties with clients are a wake up call for me. I clearly needed a nudge for some reason. Most often it’s about giving my power away. That may sound funny but when we give our power away it causes all sorts of upsets.
I’m not talking about power in the sense of lording power over someone but rather personal power in the sense of maintaining self-respect, integrity and self-love. Doing what’s right for you.
Coaches are heart-full helpers and often over givers. That can cause power dynamics.
I hope this helps you in some way with your clients. We are all creative, resourceful and whole even within a challenging relationship situation.