Coaches’ origin stories are often similar.
I’m a 2 on the Enneagram – The Helper. In my last corporate job, it was difficult to get work done because people would stop by all day to tell me their problems. I joked that I needed a sign saying “The Doctor is Out”.
Observing that confidante talent in me, motivated a friend to ask “Have you ever thought about being a life coach?”
Within days I enrolled in coach training and negotiated an independent contractor role with my boss so I could work at home on select projects while I studied and built my business.
Are you an innate helper? Do you love to make it all better when someone is hurting? I bet you’re good at it!
Coaching attracts people who love to support and guide others. It’s a natural fit. And, that same energy, if not tempered, can cause problems in coaching relationships. Let’s talk about that.
Helping Can Become a Strength Overused for Coaches
You’ve heard the saying … a strength overused becomes a weakness.
Have you ever noticed yourself using a strength to your detriment and even the detriment of someone you care about? And have you noticed that it is so hard not to keep making that same mistake over and over?
If you said ‘yes’, you’re not alone. Most humans operate day to day on coping mechanisms that have overstayed their usefulness. Their overused strengths keep tilting them off balance in life. No wonder balance is such a desired state of being and a constantly moving target!
All the smart people I know, myself included, get stuck in the well-worn groove of our gifts and talents. And that strong desire to help others as a default mode can become a trap that works against your best intentions. Don’t I know it.
It’s Time for Stronger Boundaries, Coach!
I’ve been a long-time student of boundaries and I’m far from being done learning yet.
Really, it’s such a fascinating thing … to think that when your default desire is to help, it’s time to harness that – not to amp it up but to put on the brakes. Whoa, Nelly!
Coaches need excellent boundaries to be excellent coaches.
What am I talking about?
There’s a strange thing that happens with coaches, especially those vibrating with the glory of new coaching skills:
- In a desire to help they can harm.
- In a desire to guide they can misdirect.
- In a desire to be more valuable to their clients, a coach can overstep.
I think you know what I’m talking about.
I encourage you to become a student of boundaries. Observe yourself in all of your relationships and notice how when smart boundaries are applied — everyone wins. And when boundaries are too permeable, everyone can lose.
3 Things Coaches Must Stop Doing
So, let’s get into the nitty gritty and talk about the underlying desire to judge, fix and rescue in those who love to soothe, guide and advise others.
This is what coaches must stop doing with coaching clients:
- Judging
- Fixing
- Rescuing
Let’s say you are in session with a client and suddenly you think you know what they should do. This is what happens, right? Your savvy problem solver jumps in with your rescuer energy and, if you have not yet learned good boundaries, then you start trying to fix your client.
So, how can you shift out of this and onto a cleaner path?
- Slow down.
- Turn your wise observer self on you.
- Notice your thoughts.
- Stop the mouth from saying what you are thinking.
- Instead ask an open-ended question from a place of genuine curiosity and respect for your client.
This isn’t easy. I’ve failed at it more times than I like to admit. But you only start failing when you realize how you can be a better coach. You fail your way to mastery.
The rewards of this mindfulness practice are HUGE. Imagine how much more balanced you’ll feel when you tighten your boundaries … when you don’t have to step in anymore because there’s a wee gap to fill.
Start by getting it deep into your bones that in the co-creative relationship of coach and client, all are resourceful and whole. It is only by respecting your client and trusting their wisdom that the best of coaching occurs.
I know, it seems ironic but those are the paradoxes that take us beyond the ordinary into extraordinary.
Try it out, not only in coaching relationships but in all your relationships. And be compassionate with yourself when that feels impossible. Soon, you’ll be better at this and you’ll be relieved that you don’t have to save the day.